Parenting is full of responsibilities and challenges regardless of your child’s life stage. New parents may need to learn skills such as balancing discipline and over control, teaching their kids basic life skills and a child’s social skills. Parents of school-age children will need to teach children how to deal with pressure and confusion of self-identity.
Such parenting experiences bring both happiness and pain to parents. According to the family systems theory, the marital and parent-child relationship is interrelated, this means that the well-being of every family member depends on the interactions of each other in the whole family. Unless your family is going through serious issues like domestic violence, having both parents in a child’s daily life is critical for their mental and emotional well-being.
Co-parenting can be exhausting and stressful, especially if you have a controversial relationship with your ex-partner. At times you may question their parenting abilities and financial situations or maybe not be able to overcome all the resentment in your past relationship.
Speaking to someone you would rather forget or making shared decisions may seem impossible. However, for the sake of your child, it is possible to overcome all the co-parenting challenges. The key to successful co-parenting is to put aside your relationship. It would be helpful to have the mindset of a new kind of relationship with your ex-partner, one that is not about you but entirely about the child’s well-being.
What is Co-parenting?
Co-parenting is a contract placed on those mutually responsible for a child’s upbringing. In simple terms, Co-parenting is the act of two parents raising a child even though they have no romantic relationship. It relates to a way in which parents share leadership, works together to resolve disputes and support one another in parental duties. The major dimensions of co-parenting are;
- Effective division of parenting tasks
- Commitment to parenting
- Support and cooperation between parents
- Agreement on child-rearing-related issues
Effective co-parenting is motivated by the well-being of the children and can change depending on the child’s developmental needs. Co-parenting involves a shared decision-making process on child custody.
Co-parenting Tips
1. Heal yourself first
According to a marriage therapist, if one of the parents has not moved on from the separation, they will bring the hurt into the co-parenting relationship. Even making simple decisions will become a challenge. When you are happy as an individual, co-parenting becomes intentional and easy.
2. Be flexible and accessible
While stability and consistency are necessary, be sure to adjust your schedule when need be. This includes sharing a table during an event, switching days, or being with your ex-partner on the child’s special events. When things come up for your co-parent partner and need adjustment, don’t say no to show how difficult you are.
You don’t have to ignore their calls every time they call. If you are in a position to answer the phone, do it. When kids see the respect accorded, they will follow suit and feel cared for.
3. Use Co-parenting Apps for Effective Communication
To have strong communication, free from personal excuses and emotional baggage, some apps will help you achieve healthy co-parenting. An example is the Talking Parents App. The app helps you discuss all the child’s needs like activities or medical appointments.
The apps can secure messages, record calls, and show you how to share expenses and calendars. The apps encourage respectful communication.
4. Visit a parenting therapist
If dealing with your ex-partner is difficult, you can see a professional who will help you visualize things more open-mindedly. When a parent therapist comes in, you will feel heard, making the process easy for you.
5. Have a shared family calendar
Have an online calendar that will keep you organized. Both the parents and child should access the calendar. The calendar will keep you updated and will not hear any more stories of “I forgot that”.
6. Accept that your ex-partner is still your child’s parent
This is especially when your situation is out of hand. Do not belittle or speak ill of him, especially in the presence of your children. Remember that if your ex-partner has pure intentions for the children, their relationship will continue growing healthy. The child and parent relationship should be allowed to grow with no reflection of bad feelings.
You should encourage your child to stay in touch with their other parent. You can encourage them to call or send a message.
7. Leave the child out of adult issues
Your child does not know why you did not get along with your ex-partner. Sometimes when alone with the child, you may make the mistake of treating your child as a friend and start discussing adult topics like finances and parenting issues. Some parents will go to an extent of leaving children to make their own decisions. A child can pick what clothes to wear or their favorite ice cream but should not decide on where to live or school. Giving a child too much power will cause poor decisions which can cause anxiety.
8. Be ready to experience some negative feelings
You will feel lonely and have a sense of loss when your child goes to see their other parent. It could help if you took that as an opportunity to relax and pursue other relationships with family and friends. You can arrange how to talk to the child while they are away. Call to confirm how they are doing but not to tell them how you miss them.
How to Handle Conflict with Your Co-parent
Issues are expected to arise between you and your co-parent. Some issues include;
- When your ex-partner starts dating and introduces new people to the child
- Different parenting styles
- Financial crisis
- Unwillingness to adjust to a schedule
- Communication breakdown
- You or the other partner is unable to detach themselves from the romantic relationship that was previously present.
Issues will keep arising, you cannot avoid them in your parenting journey. But if you maintain high respect and always communicate, the co-parenting journey will be smooth. When you feel exhausted, you can consult a therapist or mediator to help you solve the conflict.
More often, co-parenting is successfully achieved through the legal process of creating a custody agreement. You will need a lawyer who practices family and child law. Sometimes, the legal process seems like a battle and might hurt the child or a parent, it is, therefore, necessary to always involve a therapist to help in adapting the court ruling.
Can You Lose Custody for Not Co-Parenting?
Legal Grounds for Losing Custody
While not co-parenting effectively doesn’t automatically result in losing custody, it can influence custody decisions. If a court determines that a parent’s lack of cooperation and failure to promote the child’s relationship with the other parent is not in the child’s best interests, custody modifications can occur. However, losing custody solely for not co-parenting effectively is uncommon unless it significantly affects the child’s well-being.
Court’s Perspective on Co-Parenting
Courts generally encourage co-parenting and view it as ideal for the child’s healthy development. Judges appreciate parents who commit to working together, putting their differences aside, and focusing on the child’s needs. Courts are more likely to award joint custody when parents can effectively co-parent.
Conclusion
Co-parenting can be easy when you set boundaries and when rules are adhered to. It calls for two mature individuals who are emotionally intelligent for successful co-parenting. It is possible to set differences aside and focus on a child-centred relationship.
Coparenting Frequently Asked Questions
What can I do if the other parent refuses to co-parent?
If the other parent refuses to co-parent, it’s essential to document instances of non-cooperation and seek legal advice. You can discuss the situation with your attorney and request mediation or modifications to the custody arrangement.
Is co-parenting mandatory by law?
Co-parenting itself is not mandated by law, but courts often encourage parents to co-parent for the child’s benefit. Co-parenting can positively influence custody decisions and demonstrate a commitment to the child’s well-being.
Can joint custody be awarded if there is a lack of co-parenting?
The likelihood of joint custody being awarded decreases when there is a lack of co-parenting. However, it ultimately depends on various factors, including the child’s best interests and the court’s assessment of each parent’s ability to contribute positively to the child’s upbringing.
How can co-parenting affect child custody evaluations?
Co-parenting significantly impacts child custody evaluations. Courts assess the willingness of each parent to cooperate, promote the child’s relationship with the other parent, and prioritize the child’s well-being. Lack of effective co-parenting can raise concerns about a parent’s ability to fulfill their parental responsibilities.
Is it possible to regain custody after not co-parenting effectively?
Yes, it is possible to regain custody after not co-parenting effectively. Parents can work towards regaining custody by demonstrating a genuine commitment to co-parenting, improving communication, and prioritizing the child’s best interests. Seeking legal guidance and cooperating with court-ordered recommendations can increase the chances of custody modifications.