What is Counter-parenting?
This could be the root cause to many of the divorces in marriages today and also the aftermath of almost 90% of the divorce cases.
Counter parenting is when one parent in the marriage develops a narcissistic behaviour towards the other parent where now they will start to question everything the other parent does regarding on how they are treating and handling their child/children.
What Leads to Counter-parenting?
Most people believe that counter-parenting happens after the divorce, but having experienced first-hand the effects of counter-parenting, I can confidently say that this toxic behaviour develops during marriages, especially where the couple has only one child.
This is intrigued by the fact that both partners fail to find better ways to confront their fights, and it all escalates when there is no sign of trust between both parents and it becomes even harder to find a solution leading now to a divorce.
Remember if there is only one child in question and both parents want to be part of the child’s life, due to the continued mutual hatred, one parent makes it their life’s mission to counter-parent the other parent.
Examples of Counter-Parenting Behavior
Let’s look at some specific examples of counter-parenting behaviours that parents may engage in:
- Criticizing the other parent. – This happens when one parent starts to criticize the other parent’s decisions, parenting style, and behaviour in front of the child. Sometimes this includes the use of strong words to undermine the other parent. In this case, the child is confused and does not know how to react, leading to a sense of instability for the child, who may feel torn between both parents.
- Undermining the other parents’ authority. – One parent decides to contradict every decision they make towards the child. For example, let’s say one parent says that the child can’t have a particular toy, the other parent buys an even a bigger-sized toy. This now creates inconsistency and confusion for the child.
- Refusing to communicate and cooperate. – One parent may refuse to communicate to the other parent on important decisions such as medical and educational choices for the child. This now leads to unnecessary conflict and stress for the child, which can prevent the child from receiving the care or support they need.
- Trying to win the child’s favor. – I wouldn’t call it winning, it sounds more of buying off the child’s favour. I find it to be a very childish move because one parent will tend to give privileges to the child like buying them gifts, giving them special treatment, like allowing them to skip school or staying up late, especially when they know it’s against the other parent’s rules.
- Using the child as a messenger or spy. – Some parents are so dramatic such that they are capable of involving their children in their fights by using them to relay or gather information on the other parent’s activities and relationships. This puts the child in a very uncomfortable and stressful situation, which may lead to distrust and tension between both parents.
How Can Parents Minimize the Harmful Effects of Counter-parenting on Their Children?
Despite the difficulties, there are, however, some possible strategies that parents can use to minimize the adverse effects of counter-parenting on their children:
- Focusing on the child’s needs. – Parents should man up and prioritize their child’s needs ahead of their own and work together to provide a stable secure supportive environment for their child.
- Communicate effectively. – This is where parents should put their ego selves aside, and be able to communicate openly and honestly to avoid confrontational language. They should be willing to listen to each other’s perspectives and collaborate on finding solutions that works for everyone.
- Create a set of consistent rules and expectations. – Parents should establish consistent rules that will help the child understand what is expected of them and what the consequences are if they fail to follow the rules. This helps create a sense of stability and predictability for the child.
- Respect each other’s authority. – It is very important that even if they may disagree, they should avoid undermining one another in front of the child. Instead, they should work together to reinforce each other’s decisions and maybe debate about it later.
- Seek professional help. Commonly, such cases can become so overwhelming, therefore, parents should seek help from mediators, therapists, or mental professionals when the situation seems uncontrollable. This helps facilitate communication and collaboration and provide guidance on minimising the negative effects of counter-parenting on the child.
What Resources Can Parents Use to Learn More About Counter-parenting and its Effects on Children?
I must mention that parents dealing with counter-parenting should know that they are not alone and that there are available resources to help them navigate this challenging situation. Here are a few:
- Parenting classes or workshops. – Many community organizations, schools, and mental health clinics offer parenting lessons, that help parents learn effective parenting strategies and improve on their communication skills.
- Family therapists or counsellors. – A family therapist is a very important person to parents struggling with counter-parenting situations. He is able to help the parents communicate more effectively, and develop strategies to manage conflicts and promote the well-being of the child.
- Parenting books or websites. – Since we are in the error of modern technology, it is now easy to access websites online and books that provide information and strategies for effective parenting. Some of the resources may be explicitly tailored on counter parenting, while others provide general information on parenting and child development.
- Legal sources. – When the situation gets out of hand, it is necessary to establish or enforce custody agreements, visitation schedules, or other legal agreements. Parents can consult with their family law attorney, or seek information from legal aids organizations to learn more about their legal rights and options.
- Support groups. – Some parents may find it helpful to connect with other parents who are going through similar situations. Online or in-person support groups can provide safe and supportive space for parents to share their experiences, exchange information and strategies, and find emotional support and encouragement.
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Final Words
The urge to lush out at a counter parent will be strong, but levelling up to their accusations will only affect you and the child more. Counter-parenting is a real concern for the child’s best interest and should not be taken lightly.