ATTACHMENT STYLES

Attachment styles explain the emotional bond between two people, mostly between a child and their caregiver. Attachment style is the way we respond emotionally to other people and how we behave in relationships. It is human nature to seek love and comfort from others.

 The attachment theory by John Bowlby dates back to the 1950s and makes a notable contribution to the psychological development of children. The attachment theory examines how a child-caregiver bond builds and impacts adulthood. This means that our adulthood attachment styles are a reflection of our attachment to caregivers during childhood.

How does an adult attachment style relate to childhood?

The attachment of a parent or the primary caregiver to a child affects how a child perceives close relationships. The child seeks comfort and love from their caregivers. If their emotional needs are satisfied, children become securely attached.

A child’s attachment style forms from the type of bond that exists between the primary caregiver and the child. If the parents meet the emotional needs of the child, the child will have the same expectations from the world. Attachment styles are significant in many areas of the child’s needs; how they behave in their adulthood relationships, how they interact with other children, and how willing they are to experience the world.

The Four Attachment Styles

Anxious Attachment

Anxious children fail to trust their caregivers, the insecurity is caused by a gloomy environment. These children constantly seek approval and are afraid of being abandoned. They carry these feelings to adulthood and often feel unloved by their partners and find it hard to connect with others. These kinds of persons are usually emotionally dependent on others.

Children who have anxious attachment often;

• Have anxious habits
• Is out of attention like throwing some temper tantrums.
• Cling to the parent but resist soothing
• Find it difficult to focus on tasks
• Is insecure about exploring other things.

Anxious attachment is caused by an inconsistent caregiver.  For example, when the child cries for attention, the caregiver will sometimes attend to the baby but on other occasions ignore the cry. This can cause the baby to see the actions unpredictably and be conflicted within themselves. For these reasons, they might distrust the caregiver and at the same time wants their attention.

Parents of anxiously attached children are;

• Affectionate on some occasions
• Not reliable according to the child
• Inconsistent response to the needs of the child
• Focus more on their own needs than the children because they likely did not receive affection when they were young.

Avoidant attachment

Avoidant persons consider themselves independent, strong, and self-sufficient especially when it comes to emotions. They have a positive view of themselves and have high self-esteem. Also, they feel like they don’t have to be in a relationship to be complete. They avoid emotional closeness and hide their feelings even in an emotionally dense situation.

Avoidant attachment develops in a child when they avoid expressing emotions and intimacy. Caregivers are likely to be distant when the child is emotionally dense. The caregivers might also always disapprove or not tolerate any display of emotions. Moreover, Caregivers are often disrupting the child’s behavior when expressing emotions which teaches the child to be independent and serious. More often, the parent was raised that way which causes them to raise their children in the same way.

Avoidant adults are easygoing and social. They tend to be independent and more often will invest in their professional development and build confidence in their success. Social interactions remain on the surface, and many relationships don’t go well. They won’t let you in and do not let themselves into a deeply fulfilling relationship. Small things about their partners annoy them and they start drifting off. This is a result of their upbringing where they did not get any emotional support.

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Disorganized attachment

People who have disorganized attachment show unstable behaviors in their social circle. The problem arises when their source of security becomes their source of fear. When the caregiver is inconsistent and has unpredictable behaviors, the child starts fearing for their safety.

Other reasons for fear are traumatizing experiences such as physical or sexual abuse. The child finds it difficult to trust their caregiver. These children lack coherence in their behavior and often distance themselves from their caregivers.

Adults with disorganized attachment styles lack a coherent approach. They are afraid to let anyone in but want to be loved and to love and are afraid of being hurt by people close to them. They perceive hurt, rejection or disappointment is as inevitable. Also, they don’t believe that their partner will love them as they are.  The disorganized adult starts predicting that they will be rejected by their partner and so start behaving as so. The result is a broken relationship. You can heal this negative view of things by healing the trauma of childhood experiences.

Secure attachment

Secure attachment refers to when a child feels secure and loved by their caregiver. They can trust and accept love from others with ease. Children with secure attachments interact and are confident in interacting with others.

They carry the attachment style to adulthood and are likely to maintain a long-term relationship without any fear of being hurt. These kinds of persons do not depend on approval from others and have a positive view of themselves. People with secure attachments are warm, social, self-contented, and easily connect with others.

Conditions necessary to raise a child with Secure Attachment

The primary way in which a baby asks for attention is through crying. They notify their caregiver that something is wrong and expect help First, you must ensure that your child feels protected. For an infant, safety means being close to the mother. An infant or a toddler believes in the protective embrace of their mother. Even when left to play and explore things, they will want to run back to their mother and hug her to feel secure.

Also, your child should feel seen. They believe that when they give a signal for something, then someone will help. For example, if they cry due to hunger, they will be fed. Additionally, the child should feel soothed, comforted, and reassured. Whenever the child is undergoing distress reassure them to enable them to manage their frustrations and develop the self-soothing trait.

Also, your child should feel valued and supported to explore things. Raise your child’s self-esteem by cheering them when they are learning and doing new things.

Noteworthy, raising a securely attached child will result in a securely attached adult.

Traits of secure attachment in adult

• They can regulate their emotions
• Great bonding and opening up
• Communicate their needs effectively
• Seek emotional support from their partner
• Comfortable being alone and can explore new things
• Can reflect on their relationship with others
• Know their purpose in life.